How to Make a Narcissist Do What You Want

Dealing with a narcissist can be one of the most challenging interpersonal dynamics you’ll ever face. Narcissists are often characterized by their inflated sense of self-importance, a deep need for admiration, and a distinct lack of empathy. These traits make it difficult to influence them or get them to do what you want. However, by understanding their behavior and employing strategic approaches, you can navigate this complex terrain and increase your chances of getting a narcissist to act in your favor.

In this article, we will explore various methods to persuade a narcissist to do what you want, focusing on understanding their psyche, leveraging their needs, and employing tactical communication.

Understanding the Narcissist’s Mindset

Before you can effectively influence a narcissist, it’s essential to understand how they think. Narcissists are driven by specific psychological needs, which shape their behavior and responses to others.

1. Need for Validation and Admiration

Narcissists have an insatiable need for validation and admiration. They crave constant affirmation of their superiority, intelligence, attractiveness, or success. This need drives much of their behavior and can be a key leverage point in getting them to do what you want.

2. Desire for Control and Power

Narcissists seek control in their relationships and environments. They thrive on the power they hold over others, often using manipulation to maintain this control. Understanding this need for dominance is crucial when trying to influence them.

3. Lack of Empathy

Narcissists often struggle to empathize with others. They are primarily focused on their own needs and desires, which can make it difficult to appeal to their sense of fairness or kindness. Instead, you must approach them in a way that aligns with their self-interest.

Strategies to Influence a Narcissist

Given the unique challenges of dealing with a narcissist, influencing their behavior requires a thoughtful and strategic approach. Here are several methods you can use to increase the likelihood of getting a narcissist to do what you want.

1. Flattery and Ego-Boosting

One of the most effective ways to influence a narcissist is through flattery. Since narcissists are driven by their need for admiration, compliments and praise can be powerful tools in getting them to act in your favor.

How to Use Flattery Effectively:

• Compliment Their Strengths: Focus on aspects of their personality or achievements that they are particularly proud of. Whether it’s their intelligence, appearance, or success, genuine praise can make them more receptive to your requests.
• Make Them Feel Special: Narcissists love to feel unique and superior. Make them feel like they are the only one who can help you with your request or solve a particular problem.
• Express Gratitude: Regularly thanking them for their efforts, even before they’ve done anything, can set the stage for them to want to live up to your expectations.

2. Appeal to Their Self-Interest

Narcissists are inherently self-centered, so framing your requests in a way that benefits them is crucial. If they can see how doing what you want aligns with their interests or goals, they are more likely to comply.

Steps to Appeal to Their Self-Interest:

• Highlight Mutual Benefits: Explain how fulfilling your request will benefit them. For instance, if you want them to collaborate on a project, emphasize how it will enhance their reputation or lead to greater recognition.
• Tie Requests to Their Goals: Link your request to something they already want or are working towards. If they’re aiming for a promotion, frame your request as a step that will help them achieve that goal.
• Offer a Trade-Off: Sometimes, offering something in return for their compliance can be effective. This could be as simple as agreeing to support one of their initiatives or giving them credit for something they value.

3. Set Clear Boundaries and Expectations

Narcissists often push boundaries to see how much control they can exert. Setting clear, firm boundaries and expectations can help you manage their behavior and make them more likely to comply with your requests.

How to Set Boundaries:

• Be Direct and Specific: When making a request, be clear about what you want and why it’s important. Ambiguity gives them room to manipulate the situation to their advantage.
• Enforce Consequences: If they refuse to comply or cross a boundary, be prepared to enforce consequences. This could involve withdrawing your support or limiting their access to something they value.
• Remain Consistent: Consistency is key when dealing with a narcissist. They will test your boundaries, so it’s essential to enforce them consistently to maintain control of the situation.

4. Use Reverse Psychology

Narcissists often have a contrarian streak and may resist direct requests simply because they don’t like being told what to do. Reverse psychology can be a subtle way to influence them by suggesting the opposite of what you want.

Implementing Reverse Psychology:

• Downplay the Importance: If you downplay the importance of what you want or suggest that they might not be interested, they might be more inclined to prove you wrong by doing exactly what you want.
• Act Indifferent: Sometimes, acting indifferent about whether they agree to your request can make them more likely to comply, as they may want to demonstrate their power or superiority.
• Frame It as Their Idea: Present your request in a way that makes it seem like it was their idea. For example, if you want them to take on a specific task, you could suggest that it aligns perfectly with their strengths or previous suggestions.

5. Leverage Their Fear of Public Image

Narcissists are often highly concerned with their public image. They want to be seen as successful, admired, and in control. You can use this to your advantage by subtly implying how their compliance (or lack thereof) could affect their reputation.

How to Leverage Their Public Image:

• Subtle Suggestions: Suggest that others will admire or respect them more if they comply with your request. For instance, imply that taking a certain action will enhance their standing in the eyes of their peers.
• Use Social Pressure: If appropriate, involve others in the situation. Knowing that their actions are being observed by others can motivate a narcissist to act in a way that maintains or enhances their image.
• Frame Requests as Opportunities: Present your request as an opportunity for them to showcase their skills or generosity in a way that others will notice and admire.

6. Maintain Emotional Control

Narcissists often try to provoke emotional reactions in others to maintain control and assert dominance. By staying calm and composed, you deny them the emotional leverage they seek, which can make them more likely to comply with your requests.

Tips for Maintaining Emotional Control:

• Stay Calm: Practice techniques like deep breathing or mindfulness to stay calm during interactions with a narcissist. Avoid letting them see that they have upset or frustrated you.
• Don’t React to Provocations: Narcissists may try to provoke you as a way to divert attention from your request or to regain control of the situation. Refuse to engage with their provocations, and instead, calmly reiterate your request.
• Use Neutral Language: Avoid using language that could be seen as confrontational or accusatory. Instead, use neutral, factual language to communicate your needs and expectations.

7. Pick Your Battles Wisely

When dealing with a narcissist, it’s essential to choose your battles carefully. Not every issue is worth pursuing, and sometimes, letting minor matters go can help you maintain a more peaceful relationship while focusing on more significant requests.

How to Pick Your Battles:

• Prioritize Your Needs: Focus on the most important issues and let go of minor grievances that won’t have a lasting impact on your well-being or the situation.
• Assess the Cost-Benefit: Consider the potential consequences of each request. If pushing a particular issue is likely to escalate conflict or damage the relationship, it may be better to approach it differently or let it go.
• Save Your Influence: Your influence over a narcissist can be a limited resource. Use it strategically for the issues that matter most, rather than trying to win every minor disagreement.

Conclusion: Navigating the Complexities of Influencing a Narcissist

Making a narcissist do what you want is not an easy task, but it is possible with the right approach. Understanding their need for validation, desire for control, and concern for their public image are key factors in effectively influencing their behavior. By employing strategies such as flattery, appealing to their self-interest, setting clear boundaries, and using reverse psychology, you can increase the likelihood of them complying with your requests.

It’s important to remember that influencing a narcissist requires patience and careful planning. Their behavior is deeply rooted in their personality, and while you may be able to guide their actions in the short term, long-term change is unlikely. Always prioritize your well-being and maintain a clear sense of your own needs and boundaries in the relationship.

Finally, recognize that there are limits to how much you can influence a narcissist. If your efforts are met with consistent resistance or manipulation, it may be time to reassess the relationship and consider whether it’s in your best interest to continue. Your mental and emotional health should always come first, and no relationship is worth sacrificing your peace of mind.