Covert Narcissist Cheating Patterns: A Comprehensive Guide

Dealing with a covert narcissist can be incredibly confusing and emotionally draining, particularly when it comes to infidelity. Unlike the more overt narcissists, who display their arrogance, need for admiration, and entitlement openly, covert narcissists are often more subtle, making their cheating patterns harder to detect.

They can maintain a facade of humility or vulnerability while secretly engaging in manipulative and self-serving behaviors.

Understanding the cheating patterns of a covert narcissist requires attention to both their psychological tendencies and behavioral signs.

In this article, you will learn how to identify covert narcissistic behaviors, recognize the patterns of their infidelity, and ultimately protect yourself emotionally and psychologically.

What is a Covert Narcissist?

Before diving into their cheating patterns, it’s essential to understand what defines a covert narcissist. Covert narcissism is a more hidden form of narcissism, where the individual appears shy, humble, or even insecure, masking their grandiosity and entitlement.

They still have a strong need for admiration and validation, but they seek it through more passive-aggressive means or by playing the victim.

Key Traits of Covert Narcissists:

• Low Self-Esteem, Hidden by False Modesty: While covert narcissists appear humble or vulnerable, this is a mask for their underlying self-centeredness. They often engage in self-deprecating remarks to gain reassurance from others.
• Passive-Aggressive Behavior: Covert narcissists manipulate others through subtle control tactics, such as guilt-tripping or playing the victim, instead of using direct confrontation.
• Extreme Sensitivity to Criticism: Just like overt narcissists, covert narcissists can’t handle criticism. They may respond with passive-aggressive silence or self-pity rather than rage.
• Chronic Victimhood: Covert narcissists often position themselves as the victim to gain sympathy and attention from others.

Given these characteristics, a covert narcissist may be more challenging to detect when it comes to cheating, as their actions are less overt, and their manipulations can be more emotionally complex.

Why Do Covert Narcissists Cheat?

At the core of any narcissistic behavior, including cheating, is the narcissist’s insatiable need for attention and validation. Covert narcissists are no different, even if they pursue these needs in a subtler way.

When their partner doesn’t fulfill their emotional void, or when they need an ego boost, they may seek validation elsewhere, often through infidelity.

Reasons Covert Narcissists Cheat:

• Emotional Validation: A covert narcissist may cheat because they feel like their emotional needs aren’t being met in the relationship. This, of course, is often a reflection of their own emotional dysfunction, but they’ll place the blame on you.
• Ego Boost: Infidelity can provide them with the thrill of being desired by someone new, giving them the temporary admiration and excitement they crave.
• Lack of Empathy: Covert narcissists, like all narcissists, lack genuine empathy. They are more focused on their own feelings of fulfillment than on the impact of their actions on their partner.
• Sense of Entitlement: Even though covert narcissists may outwardly appear modest or unassuming, they still feel entitled to more attention, admiration, or affection than others.

Covert narcissists may justify their cheating to themselves, seeing their actions as a way of filling an emotional gap they believe you’re not providing, even if the gap exists solely in their perception.

Cheating Patterns of Covert Narcissists

Covert narcissists are more cunning and careful when it comes to cheating.

Unlike overt narcissists, who might flaunt their affairs or show little remorse, covert narcissists work harder to maintain their hidden personas. This makes their cheating patterns more elusive and harder to spot.

Common Cheating Patterns:

A. Emotional Affairs

One of the key cheating patterns for covert narcissists is engaging in emotional affairs. They may not immediately pursue a physical relationship with someone else, but they will cultivate deep emotional connections outside the relationship, often under the guise of “friendship.”

Emotional affairs provide the covert narcissist with the validation they need without raising immediate red flags for their partner.

• How to Spot It: Pay attention to any “friendships” that seem to be taking priority over your relationship. If they constantly seek emotional support from someone else while shutting you out, it could indicate an emotional affair.

B. Subtle Gaslighting and Deflection

Covert narcissists are experts at deflecting blame and making you doubt your own feelings or perceptions. If you begin to suspect infidelity and confront them, they may use subtle gaslighting tactics to make you question your reality.

They might downplay their behavior or accuse you of being overly suspicious, turning the conversation around to make you feel guilty.

• How to Spot It: If you find yourself questioning whether your concerns are valid or if you feel like your partner is making you seem irrational for even suspecting infidelity, this could be a sign of covert gaslighting.

C. Secretive Behaviors

Covert narcissists are often highly secretive when it comes to their affairs. They are skilled at hiding their tracks, making it hard to catch them in the act.

They may delete text messages or emails, create hidden social media accounts, or use code names for their extramarital partners. Despite their quiet demeanor, they can be extremely calculated in maintaining their hidden life.

• How to Spot It: Look for sudden changes in behavior, such as being overly protective of their phone, disappearing for unexplained periods, or becoming evasive about their whereabouts.

D. Playing the Victim

When caught or suspected of cheating, covert narcissists may immediately assume the role of the victim. They’ll twist the situation to make it seem like their actions were a result of your neglect or emotional unavailability.

By portraying themselves as the victim, they deflect responsibility for their actions and make you feel like the one at fault.

• How to Spot It: If your partner consistently blames you for their cheating or portrays their infidelity as a consequence of how “neglected” or “misunderstood” they feel, this could be a clear sign of narcissistic manipulation.

E. Feigning Innocence

One of the more infuriating tactics covert narcissists use is to feign innocence. Even when presented with evidence of their cheating, they may refuse to admit it, often claiming that you’re misunderstanding the situation or that nothing inappropriate happened.

They use their “quiet” or “vulnerable” persona to deflect suspicion and manipulate you into thinking you’ve overreacted.

• How to Spot It: Be wary if your partner dismisses your concerns with exaggerated innocence or plays on their reputation as someone who is “too quiet” or “too shy” to ever cheat.

Emotional Manipulation and Cheating

Covert narcissists are masters of emotional manipulation, and they use this skill to maintain control over their partners, even while cheating. Their cheating may not always be about physical infidelity but about emotionally undermining you to maintain their own sense of superiority.

Emotional Manipulation Tactics:

• Guilt Tripping: Covert narcissists will often use guilt to manipulate their partners into overlooking or excusing their behavior. They’ll make you feel as though you’re not providing enough emotional support, which justifies their need to seek attention elsewhere.
• Silent Treatment: When confronted about cheating, covert narcissists may use the silent treatment as a form of punishment. By withdrawing emotionally and refusing to engage in the conversation, they maintain power and avoid accountability.
• Triangulation: Covert narcissists may also engage in triangulation, where they involve a third party to create jealousy or competition. They may flirt with someone else in front of you or speak fondly of another person to keep you emotionally off balance.

How to Protect Yourself

Dealing with a covert narcissist’s cheating can leave you feeling emotionally exhausted and unsure of yourself. However, there are ways to protect yourself emotionally and maintain your well-being.

Steps to Protect Yourself:

• Trust Your Intuition: If something feels off, trust your gut. Covert narcissists are excellent at hiding their actions, but your intuition can often sense when something isn’t right.
• Set Boundaries: Establish clear emotional and physical boundaries. If the covert narcissist continues to push those boundaries, it’s important to follow through with consequences.
• Don’t Engage in Their Manipulations: Refuse to be drawn into guilt trips, silent treatment, or victim-playing. Stay grounded in your own reality and don’t let them make you doubt yourself.
• Seek Professional Support: Dealing with a covert narcissist can take a serious toll on your emotional health. Consider seeking therapy or counseling to help you navigate the situation and heal from their manipulation.
• Consider Your Exit Strategy: If the cheating and emotional manipulation continue, it may be time to consider leaving the relationship. Narcissists rarely change, and staying in a toxic relationship with a covert narcissist can have long-term emotional consequences.

Conclusion

Covert narcissists are far more subtle in their infidelity than overt narcissists, making their cheating patterns difficult to detect.

By understanding their behaviors, recognizing their manipulation tactics, and protecting yourself emotionally, you can navigate the difficult experience of being involved with a covert narcissist.

While getting them to admit their cheating may be difficult, your focus should be on maintaining your own emotional health and taking steps to protect yourself from further manipulation.